Life Update

I’ve been feeling trapped like a caged animal, pacing back and forth, anxious to get out but can’t. Even when I do get out, it doesn’t seem to be enough. It’s called Akathisia. It’s a listed side effect for Abilify. According to my medical dictionary, it’s a movement disorder characterized by a feeling of inner restlessness and a compelling need to be in constant motion. It’s even more annoying than the restlessness that I feel from having ADHD. I have stopped taking my Abilify for two weeks. I’m already feeling better. I can actually sit here at the computer and write something.

I’ve started to exercise again. I need to be physically fit as well as mentally fit. I still can’t get in to a tai chi class at the local YMCA. I guess no one was interested in taking it. I’ll take a spinning class instead. I really miss riding my bike like I used to. I was in much better shape when I was riding all the time. I’ve been feeling better and I lost a few pounds already. I’m going to focus on losing weight for a while.

As for my education, I’ve decided to take a semester off. Between the Akathisia and my temporary problems with my transportation, there would be no way that I could pull it off. It was a little upsetting to have to cancel all my classes before the start of the semester.

Meds Check – 2nd Update

I can’t take it anymore. I know this is going to sound strange, but I can’t take sleeping in any more. I decided to take my Chromium again, but instead of taking a 600mcg dose, I’ve cut it in half. I started it back up today. I’m going to go for a week on 300mcg of Chromium and see how it turns out. I’ll let everyone know how it goes. As a reminder, if anyone decides to take Chromium, please check with your doctor first, especially if you are a diabetic.

Meds Check – Update

I promised an update, so here it is.

It’s been almost 4 days since I last took my Chromium. I’ve had some stressful situations decide to rear their ugly heads in my direction lately. Despite that, I’ve still felt motivated, just ran out of energy easily and slept longer.

I seem to remember back 10 years or so, when I was racing mtn. bikes, I took Chromium on a regular basis, either in pill form or in my sports drink. The Chromium helped balance out my fluctuating energy levels. Probably what I’ve been experiencing now. I guess one of the positives of Chromium can be a negative as well, especially for those of us who put the ‘H’ in ADHD. If you take too high a dose, that could lead you to feel that you are in overdrive, not just driven. By the way, I’ve decided not to include the fish oil in my little test. I’m only taking one a day and the package calls for three.

Well, that’s it for the update. TTFN

Meds Check

I’ve been wondering lately, why this increase in motivation. What medicine is causing me to feel extremely driven. Is it the Abilify that I’m on now? Is it the Chromium or fish oil that I’ve been taking in the morning? I don’t know. So in the interest of science, I’m going to do a test that is going to last for 4 weeks. Starting on Monday, June 15th, I’m going to stop taking my Chromium, for 2 weeks. I’m going to report how I feel during this whole event. On Monday, June 29th, I’m going to stop taking the fish oil. At the end of the testing, I’ll let everyone know the final results. I hope that the results might help others with their motivation problems.

As for my previous post, just click on the link for the graphic. I forgot that this blog host doesn’t allow Flash.

ADHD Head

ADHD Head by adkbob, made at DoInk.com

A little doodle I just made.

Another Family Gathering

Arrggh!! Confusion comes and goes but family never goes away! …lol… My nephew’s 3rd birthday is today and everyone is here for the party. We’ve been running around crazy for the past few days, getting the house ready. It’s been OK so far. I’ve had a bit of free time lately, so I’ve been on a major cleaning spree. Yesterday, I had a major to-do list; 10 items long. I managed to get all but one checked off (the one item left, I’ve been working on all week), with a little help. She claims it was only one item, no big deal. I say one item is still helping! I even managed to help her a little with her list.

My ambition and motivation are back, with a vengeance. The doctor has put me on an additional medication. He put me on Abilify. Only 10 mg, but it seems to be enough. It’s a strange feeling to have ambition and motivation back all at once. I never know what to do next! It’s almost like I’m stuck in manic mode. It’s really strange!

I’ve got to go now. I still have more things to get caught up on. Computer backups and my art stuff are calling me.

 

Quest For Motivation

I realize that I haven’t been around much for a while. Things have been a little crazy. As I’m sitting here writing this, I realize that I let things get a little out of hand. I didn’t exactly ask for help when I needed it the most. The semester that I was working on at college didn’t turn out the way that I planned. I ended up bombing badly. I think the thing that threw me the most was how quickly I lost my motivation. I didn’t exactly see it coming. Once the motivation started leaking profusely, the depression started taking it’s place. Sometimes, it feels like depression is just the absence of motivation. The less motivation you have, the more depression you feel because of not getting things accomplished. The more you get depressed, the less motivation you have to get things accomplished. It just ‘snowballs’ on you.

Looking back at my past accomplishments, I do notice a pattern. When I look back at my successful semesters, the one thing I see in common is a physical education class. I’ve always felt my best when I’ve been exercising on a regular basis. Of course, being ADD, I was most consistent when I’ve made plans to meet with someone else. I guess, now that I’ve been thinking about it, that has been my problem lately. Seems like a constant battle just to get out and do anything that makes me feel good about myself. Seems like a constant battle just to get some time to breathe. My son is 16 now. I love him a lot, but, he causes some sort of friction with us where ever we go. I realize this post is supposed to be about motivation, and it still is. You need to find a way to de-stress to help maintain whatever motivation you have. I can’t even have peace and quiet in my own room.

I guess that’s enough for now. Time to think about bed. I’m hoping this WON’T be the last for a while. Time and motivation can only tell.

My Education, Past & Present

I know there have been a few people interested in finding out more about me. The following is my educational journey since high school.

I originally had intentions of going to college out in New Hampshire. I had been accepted to Hesser College, in Manchester, for computer science. I never went through with it. I don’t really remember why. It doesn’t really matter any more.

In late 1991, I finally decided to go to our local college, Adirondack Community College. I wanted to go for Computer Science, which is two years + two more somewhere’s else, but we were on public assistance then. They didn’t want me to go for that degree. Their rationalization was that I’d be better off getting my degree in Data Processing, which is a two year degree. So, I listened to them. My first mistake. In the Spring 1992 semester, I attempted 14 credit hours. I don’t really remember why, but somehow I bombed out. The only class that I got credit for was my Freshman Seminar, only 1 credit. The next semester that I attempted was Spring 1993. I signed up for 5 classes for a total of 16 credit hours. I didn’t even receive any credits that time.

By then, I was a little tired of Data Processing. I decided to try my hand at Travel & Tourism. Change of major time. Don’t you just love it? I decided on that degree because, at the time, I was involved with local tourism. I figured, why not. Surprise, another mistake. I signed up for 5 classes for a total of 11 credit hours. The only thing I got out of that semester was 3 credits. I managed to get a B in Conversational French I.

I decided to take a break after that. I ended getting a decent job that September. I worked there until June 1998, when I changed jobs. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. The stress of the new job was too much. I ended up with stomach problems because of that. By May of 1999, I knew that I had to leave, I just didn’t know how. I registered for Fall 1999 classes. In July 1999, they let me go. I overdid their excused absences policy. You were only allowed 3 excused absences a year. They fought me on unemployment. They lost. It was their medical clinic that diagnosed my stomach problems.

The Fall 1999 semester was an awesome semester. I was finally going for my Computer Science degree. I registered for 5 classes for a total of 13 credit hours.  I ended up with 3 As, 1 A- and 1 B. It was great. I even ended up on the Dean’s List. What a major boost to my self-esteem. The next semester, Spring 2000, I decided to take Electronic Publishing for a class. I have always had an interest in it. I still do, in a way. A month and a half into the semester, I was able to help the teacher with the class. I had never touched the program before. I ended up finishing 4 out of 5 classes, with and A in the publishing class and an A in Math. I made another course adjustment in the middle of the semester. I changed my major to Communication & Media Arts, specifically to do graphic design. Unfortunately, it also appeared that I was loosing some momentum.

In the Fall of 2000, I took another 5 classes: design, photography, drawing, mass com. and Small Business Management. I ended up with 1 A, 1 A-, 1 B+, 1 D+ and 1 D. Ouch! That didn’t turn out so well. Spring 2001, I ended up finishing 3 out of 4 classes. The Fall 2001 semester, I ended up getting an A, a C+ and an F. I needed a break. Things were getting just a little crazy.

Fast forward to Fall 2007. I’ve finally decided to go towards something I’ve always dreamed that I’d do. I want to be a Wildlife Biologist. I always have. I’ve always been interested in watching wildlife and learning what I can about them. Now I’m working on getting my Associates in Liberal Arts -  Math & Science. When that is done (I currently have 61 credits), then my plan is to go to the SUNY-ESF college in Syracuse and get my Bachelors degree in Wildlife Science. That’s the plan, anyway. First I have to finish my associates. That’s going to be hard enough. Right now, I’m in my 11th semester at Adirondack Community College. My last 2 semesters didn’t turn out so well. Out of the 2 semesters, I passed only 1 out of 6 classes. That’s only because I was holding an A average in Biology before that semester went down hill. That was the Fall 2007 semester. Spring 2008 was a complete mess. With all the teenage drama going on at home, bill collectors calling all day on my cell phone, getting behind with school work, and dealing with stress at my job, everything exploded. At the end of March 2008, I had a nervous breakdown. It wasn’t fun. I ended up losing my job because of the breakdown and the owner not wanting to deal with me and my ADHD anymore. “We don’t have any hours for you.” Bull sh**! What a way to treat someone who just had a breakdown just days earlier. No worries now. All for the better. The job I have now, they treat me with a lot of respect. It’s the way everyone should be treated. Onward and upward.

Currently, I’m taking US History and (WARNING: scary word ahead) Calculus. This is my last chance. If I mess up this time, I won’t be able to get anymore financial aid. Then I won’t be able to finish my degree. It’s now or never again!! With Calculus, it’s so far, so good. I just had my first test this morning. I felt pretty confident about the test when I left the class this morning. I’ll find out Monday how well I did. Now I just need to get caught up on my reading for my History class. Hey, nobody’s perfect.

Too Many Distractions!

Since I’ve been back to college, I’ve realized that I have too many distractions going on at once. Almost any time that I sit in front of the computer, I end up finding something else to do other than what I’m suppose to do. Yesterday is a good example. I got home around 5 PM from my day of going to class in the morning and going to work after that. I sat down at my desk to start on my Calculus homework and noticed that my desk was a mess. My desk is usually messy, that is why it happens to be one of those permanent items on my to do list. Anyway, I decided to straighten it up a little, just enough to give me room. My desk did get straightened up, the problem is that I didn’t stop at just a little! I ended up cleaning up the floor in the corner near my desk, reorganizing my book shelf where I keep my school books and paper, and reorganizing the workspace at my desk. By the time that I was done, it was late and I didn’t get to even touch my Calculus.

As for the computer itself, It’s probably one of the worst and best things for someone with ADD. With all the tools available today, it helps us to stay organized at home and on the go. Unfortunately, some of those same tools can make things difficult to get things done. And then there’s the little games that you can play on your computer and online. Sometimes the little games can distract you from your work for hours. Solitaire, Minesweeper, Hearts, they can be the bane of ADDers everywhere. Then there’s the dreaded instant messaging and social sites. And it only gets worse the more friends you get. They do serve a purpose though. It does allow you to keep in touch with people that you normally wouldn’t otherwise. And if you get in with a particular group on a social site, you may realize just how supportive like-minded people can be. If you want a good example, check out the ADDer World — Anything and Everything ADHD site if you haven’t already. The experience has been amazing. I really feel privileged to be a member of that site.

Some of the other distractions aren’t as easy as turning off the computer to deal with. As I think I’ve said before, we live with my wife’s grandmother. The arrangement isn’t totally bad. We don’t have to pay for utilities, rent, or taxes. One of the problems with living here, though, is we do most of our living in our bedroom. Both computers, my nature, computer, and photography books, my scanners and printers, our clothes, our entertainment system and, oh yes, our queen size bed are all in the bedroom. It’s not as bad as it sounds, but it’s bad enough. Earlier today, I was working on my homework at my desk, listening to an Internet radio station, my wife was watching a DVD. It was OK, she had headphones on. Then my son decided to come in to our room and go on the other computer. It would have been OK, but he wanted to look for videos on YouTube, with the volume up a little too much. I had to put on headphones myself. Later on, he was downstairs playing a video game. Ah, peace and quiet. Yea, right. He got upset with something involving his game and he decided to slam the door at the bottom of the stairs and stomp up the stairs into our room. I still had the headphones on and not only could I hear it, but I felt it, too. Then he decided to yell at the cat on our bed.

I’m beginning to think that I might be better off going to the college, without my laptop, and find a nice quiet corner in the library to do my work. Unfortunately, knowing my luck, I’ll run into someone I know and end up talking to them for a while.

Oh well. Now what was I trying to do again? 

ADHD and Achievements

It’s so interesting trying to get things accomplished when life gets in your way. I’m beginning to think that I collect unfinished tasks like others collect useless knick knacks. I don’t know. Maybe that isn’t the right analogy. When you have your own agenda and you set your own goals, not everyone in the household is going to be there to help you achieve what you need to. Their priorities don’t exactly mesh with your own. Sometimes, it feels like a battle to achieve anything. It’s amazing that I haven’t given up entirely on my goals. When you have ADHD, it’s difficult enough as it is, not to come up with excuses to procrastinate. When you have your own family telling you to put things off, it’s even worse. I’ve been trying to take tai chi at our local YMCA for 6 months now. I have yet to take a single class. My wife always seems to come up with an excuse why I can’t take it. It’s always next time. I would take it at the local tai chi center, but it costs a lot more. With my hours being what they are right now, there’s no way.

This week, I’ll make another attempt at one of my unfinished tasks. I go back to college. I’m only taking 2 classes this time. My last attempt ended with a nervous breakdown and a lost job. The stress of everything going on at once AND my doctor’s idea of putting me on Cymbalta kind of worked together to make things blow up in my face. Right now, I’m kind of scared. I’m going to be 40 this year. Am I going to be able to finish and get my Associates degree? Am I going to be able to get my Bachelors degree? Is my family going to support my choices? Are they going to fight me every step of the way? I guess only time will tell.